


At Eternity’s Gate

by bisexualtulip



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Other, Self-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-12-01 19:04:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20868986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bisexualtulip/pseuds/bisexualtulip
Summary: i have no summary in mind its just a gay mess





	At Eternity’s Gate

Deep breaths rarely calm a racing heart, yet it is always advised. Inhale, hold, exhale, repeat. A pattern just as a heartbeat, but the latter never slows. At least, not now. Not when wracked with anxiety. Perhaps one may consider such nervousness to be melodramatic, after all the severity of the situation was nothing less than nonexistent. But when one is young and on their own for the very first time, the most mundane things turn into great monsters that fill the brain with fear. Even simply moving into a flat. Waiting outside the door, tremoring hands tightly gripping the newly-made key, hesitating. Introducing oneself to a stranger one must live with was no less than terrifying Alexander, whom for the majority of their life avoided socializing when possible.

Enough stalling, they told themself. But alas they still did not move to unlock the door. What if their flatmate had already gotten there? Should they knock? Although, it was their flat too. They didn’t need to knock to go in to their own living space. Supposedly. The layers of overlapping thoughts were interrupted however, as they heard a voice from behind them.

“Oh, are you my flatmate?” 

They jumped, startled at the noises of reality suddenly coming back into earshot after zoning out so quickly. They stammered for a moment, squeaking out a “Yes”, before whipping their head around to face whomever was to be their flatmate. Only instead of being met with a face, they were eye level with the person’s torso. They blinked confusedly before glancing up to find a pair of sharp olive eyes staring down at them. They internally slapped themself, as they must have looked so pathetic to this man. Standing outside, shaking like a leaf, and very obviously not a native. For several reasons. 

“I’m guessing you’re an international student, hm?” He spoke up, taking his hands out of his pockets with an identical key in his right hand. 

“Y-Yeah. I moved here from the USA.” Alexander nodded, figuring he would unlock the door and therefore stepping out of the way. 

“Seems like a lot of Americans are trying to get out, huh?” He muttered, huffing in amusement. For a joke, it was quite true. “I’m Laurens, by the way.” 

“Pfft, yeah.” Alexander laughed quietly as he unlocked the door. They couldn’t help but notice he was a few inches taller than the doorway, which caused them to yell internally. They had to live with this… Giant. Great. “Oh, uh, I’m Alexander!”

“Alexander. Nice name.” Laurens noted as he walked inside, bowing slightly so as to not hit his head. 

Alexander followed him inside, dragging their luggage behind them. It was a decently sized place, and unlike American dorm rooms on campus, each of them had their own room. There was a nicely sized kitchen as well, and both rooms were en-suites which was quite lucky. Laurens glanced over his shoulder at Alexander, then at the two doors in a small hallway bordering the kitchen, which each led to a room. 

“Could I ask a strange question?”

“I’m full of strange things, a question is another thing for the pile.” Alexander joked, not quite realizing that they came off as… Well, strange. Although it did earn a stifled chuckle from Laurens.

“Could I see if one room has a larger bed than the other? Just… Well, you can see why.” He motioned to himself subtly, shrugging his broad shoulders. 

“Oh, yeah!” Alexander nodded quickly. “I don’t mind at all, no worries.” 

After a brief peek into each bedroom, Laurens settled on the one nearest to the kitchen, which had a queen-size mattress rather than a full-size. Alexander then moved their luggage and backpack to the other room which resided at the end of the short hallway. They placed their backpack on the bed and their luggage next to it, stretching their back before yawning and rubbing their eyes. They decided on heading to the kitchen to judge the amount of space they had to then estimate what could fit where. Problem was, their spatial awareness was not the most refined. And so they were left staring at the empty cabinets attempting to discern how to go about the estimation of space. Until their train of thought was derailed by Laurens. 

“Mind me asking what you’re up to?” He asked, looming over Alexander from behind. 

Alexander jumped, hands balling into fists on instinct. “Please don’t get too close to me,” they snapped in a loud-yet-monotone voice. 

Laurens seemed almost embarrassed as he stepped back, looking down at his feet. “Sorry. I, er… Have a bad sense of space.” He shrugged. “Autism, y’know.” 

Blinking rapidly in surprise, Alexander stared at him. Dark chocolate eyes were wide with wonder. They did not even dream of having their flatmate be autistic like them. It was extremely reassuring to them. This meant he wouldn’t question their behaviour as much. He would understand them better, and know what they felt like a lot of the time. That sense of understanding was more than they could ever ask for. Plus, on top of that fact, Laurens was admittedly rather attractive. 

“You too?” Alexander asked, a smile tugging at their lips. “I-I mean… I am too.”

“Ah, that’s nice to know. Makes me feel a bit less odd.” Laurens commented. 

“Same,” Alexander breathed out a laugh. “Can it be my turn for a strange question?” 

“Go ahead.”

“How, er… How tall are you?” They asked in a mumbled tone, a bit embarrassed to ask. “I’ve never really met someone as tall as you.” 

“Well, welcome to the Netherlands.” He chuckled. “Nah, in all seriousness I’m quite tall even for the average here. 218 centimeters.” 

Alexander paused for a moment. Their mind was more accustomed to the imperial measurement system, and so they needed a moment to calculate. Once they worked it out in their head, they nearly choked on air.

“You’re over seven feet tall?! Man, I’m jealous.”

“Don’t be, it’s actually not all that fun.” Laurens stated, crossing his arms. Alexander couldn’t help noticing how strong his arms looked. Alas they’d never say it, even if their pink-tinted cheeks might have given them away. 

“Couldn’t be any worse than being my height.” They laughed. Their laugh was quiet and soft, contradicting the raspiness of their voice. 

“Who knows. My height is just a result of trisomy syndrome.” 

“Wait, trisomy?”

Both went quiet, unsure how to continue the conversation. Alexander had many questions they wanted to ask, but one stood out. Trisomy syndrome was typically only diagnosed in females… Did that mean…? 

“Ah, I forgot to mention I’m trans, didn’t I?” Laurens spoke up once more, very casual about admitting it.

“Yeah you did! That’s really great! It’s nice to know we have something in common, I’m nonbinary myself.” 

“Nice to have someone to relate to, then.”

—————

A few weeks into the semester, neither one spoke to the other much. They had a few classes together, from which they discerned that they shared a major: Art History. It was relieving to have that in common, but striking up conversations never came easy to either of them. On one day in particular however, it would seem they had to. 

In the midst of class, the professor began describing a project to be completed. Choose an artist, choose one of their works, and analyze it. Alexander was a tad ticked off by the lack of specifications, as they always needed extremely specific guidelines in order to do things to the best of their ability. But that did not bother them as much as the following statement.

“— and since it's still the beginning of the semester, this will be done in pairs. That way you can get to know at least one classmate.” The professor declared before dismissing her students. 

Alexander glanced over at Laurens, who sat a few seats down the row, with a pleading look, trying to convey that they wished to be partners since he was the most familiar face at the moment. He nodded in return, seeming to have picked up the signal. This earned a smile from Alexander as they bounced in place for a moment before proceeding to grab their backpack and sling it over their shoulder. They felt their wrist pop and immediately fell backwards into their seat, cheeks burning red from embarrassment. So much for the attempt to appear ‘cool’. On top of that, they knew they’d have to go get their wrist brace. Yet again.

Laurens chuckled at the silliness of it all, the sheer desperation to have a familiar person be their partner, the attempt to seem suave foiled by the sensitivity of their joints (which he had figured out upon seeing them wear braces on their ankles and knees on a particularly sensitive day for them), and the scarlet tint upon their cheeks that spread to the tips of their ears. How cute. He stood up and walked over to them, offering his hand.

“Need any help there?” He asked, one eyebrow raised slightly. 

“I-I’m okay!” Alexander jumped out of their seat, their backpack on the floor at their side, leaning against their leg. “Thanks though, I appreciate it.” 

Laurens nodded, retracting his arm. He noticed the bag on the floor and glanced at it, then back to them. “I could help you carry that if your books are too heavy.” 

“Ah, it's not too bad. My wrist was at an odd angle, that’s all.” They reassured him, picking up their backpack with their unaffected wrist and sliding the straps onto their shoulders. “Want to walk home together? This was my last class for the day.” 

“Mine too, so sure.” 

The two walked out of the classroom together, Alexander having to keep a rather fast pace to keep up with Laurens’ long strides. He took note of this, but decided not to slow down. He found it amusing to watch them try to keep up with his regular pace with how drastic the difference in the size of their strides were. As they walked out of the university building, there was a low rumbling noise emitting in the surrounding area. Thunder. This caused Alexander to freeze in place just before they could step out. Laurens glanced behind him, turning around with a confused look.

“Everything okay?”

“I… Thunder.” was the short reply as they gripped the hem of their hoodie. “Thunderstorms cause a lot of sensory issues.” 

Laurens nodded, extending his hand to them. “Sooner we get home, the more we’ll avoid it. The lightning flashes bother me, so I get it.” 

Alexander could feel the blood rushing to their cheeks as he held his hand out to them, but they felt as if they couldn’t refuse. There was such an air of understanding about him. Something about that made them feel safe. They gently reached out, and the moment they placed their hand in his, he wrapped his fingers around it. 

“God, your hands are tiny.” He mumbled, taking a moment to analyze the feeling of their hand in his. He rather enjoyed the sensation.

“Yeah, I know.” Alexander giggled, stepping out to walk next to him. This time, Laurens kept a slower pace. 

—————

Once back at their flat, Laurens and Alexander began to assess what to do for that project they were assigned. Having to analyze an artist’s work as a pair would prove a challenge, as every person may interpret art differently. As they pondered which artist to pick, Alexander sat at the table just outside the kitchen, head in their hands as they spent nearly half an hour thinking. Soon enough, they piped up with a suggestion.

“Call me cliché, but… Maybe we could pick one of Van Gogh’s works?” 

Olivine eyes lit up as Laurens heard the remark, and he straightened up in his seat on the couch. “I like that idea.” 

“Really? I thought it was sort of cliché, as I said. Y’know, like… Of course an international student in the Netherlands would want to study Van Gogh.” 

“It shows your interest in the history of Dutch painters, first of all.” Laurens stated, crossing his arms. “Second of all, we could do one of his lesser known works so that no one else picks the same.” 

“Yeah! I was thinking maybe ‘At Eternity’s Gate’? I already have several thoughts on it, personally.” They laughed, standing up from their chair and walking over to stand in front of Laurens. 

“Such as?” 

Alexander proceeded to spend about fifteen minutes on the subject of symbolism within At Eternity’s Gate. The painting was completed a mere two months before his death, which was most often seen as a suicide. The bright colors in comparison with the sorrowful composition of the painting could have been a representation of the contrast between the bright shades and whimsical spin on realism he was known for, and the dark and somberful mental state he so often found himself in. What was also fascinating was the date of the painting coinciding with his attempt at recovery from a severe relapse into psychotic episodes, so he may have been using his craft as a venting medium. Clearly to a fault, considering his death not too long after, but an attempt nonetheless. 

Laurens listened intently, finding himself enraptured by the passion in Alexander’s voice. He was utterly fascinated by how quickly they had come up with all of that. All there was to do was put it in writing, and they would easily get a good grade. They had somehow managed to come up with a valid and eloquent analyzation of the symbolism in a painting within fifteen minutes of rambling. And he found that incredible. 

“Well, I suppose we don’t have to spend too much time on that now.” Laurens commented, a smile tugging at his lips. 

“Yeah! Except… I might need help on elaborating Van Gogh’s mental state.” The tone of Alexander’s voice changed drastically, to one of dread. “I can’t talk about mental issues. It sort of triggers my own.” 

Laurens nodded, leaning forward in his seat. “That’s understandable. I’ll help out on that.” 

“Thank you, I owe you one...” 

—————

Later at night, Laurens laid awake in bed. His head was filled with too many thoughts to sleep properly. Work he needed to finish, the project he needed to assist Alexander with, and on top of that, he was almost certain he had begun to develop feelings for them. He had never seen himself being in a relationship, let alone while at university, and yet he couldn’t help but recall how light his heart felt when he held their hand. 

His thoughts were soon cut off however, by a faint noise. It sounded like little sobs, coming from Alexander’s room. He knew it wasn’t his business, but Laurens felt an instinct to see if they were alright. He slowly got out of bed, the hardwood floors creaking under his weight as he did so. He gently opened the door to his room, stepping out into the hall. He desperately tried to be quiet, but unfortunately the old flooring did not pair well with his size and weight. Each footstep created a thumping noise, along with the sound of the floorboards squeaking. He internally cursed at himself for it, although it wasn’t as if he could help it. He approached Alexander’s door, softly knocking on it. He heard a sniffle, and a quiet “Don’t come in please” in response.

“Are you decent?” He asked, planning to enter anyways if the response was yes.

“Y-Yeah, I guess…” 

That was enough for him. He slowly opened the door, ducking down to peek into the bedroom. He was met with the sight of Alexander, curled up in a blanket and sitting in the corner of the room, underneath their desk. 

Alexander glanced up, eyes red and glazed over from crying. They couldn’t quite see Laurens’ face from their angle underneath the desk, but they considered that lucky. Perhaps it meant he couldn’t see their face either. They curled up tighter as he approached, biting their lip so as not to laugh in the midst of crying when they realized they could feel the vibrations of each footstep. 

Laurens stood in front of their desk, staring down at the little ball that was Alexander. He had a look of concern in his eyes, that quickly turned to confusion as he heard them choke out a small laugh.

“You were crying a minute ago. Why are you laughing?” 

“You,” they giggled, sniffling between laughs. “You look like a giant when you stand so close like that.” 

“Do I?” Laurens chuckled, taking a step closer. “Well you’d better get out from under there before I grab you myself.” 

“Oooh nooo, I’m scared.” They laughed, a bit louder this time as they rubbed their eyes. They slid out from their hiding spot, standing up with the blanket still around their shoulders. 

“Want to tell me what’s wrong?” He asked, kneeling down to be at their eye level.

“I-I’m just… Scared I guess.” They mumbled, looking down at their feet in embarrassment. “Moving across the ocean at 17… Not being able to see my mom or my dogs… It’s a lot for me.” 

“You’re only 17, that’s right… I keep forgetting that you’re a year younger than me.” Laurens admitted, furrowing his eyebrows as he wondered how he forgot that detail. 

“Heh, yeah…” 

“Hey, I can’t sleep either, so do you want to stay in my room for a while?” He asked, gently placing a hand on their shoulder. 

“Okay, yeah. I could use some company so I don’t keep dwelling over my anxiety.” They stated openly, seeming unafraid to share the fact that they did in fact have rather severe anxiety. “Thanks, Laurens.” 

“You can call me Lars, you know. That’s what close friends call me.” He informed them as he stood up.

Alexander felt the now-familiar pink tint return to their cheek. He considered them a close friend…? They somehow felt honored. Thus they decided to confirm that the feeling was mutual.

“My closest friends call me Sasha.” They smiled, sniffling yet again as they followed Laurens to his room, blanket still around their shoulders. 

“Sasha? That’s Russian, isn’t it?”

“Mhm! I’m part Russian on my mom’s side.” 

“It’s cute.” 

Alexander giggled, mumbling a small ‘Thank you’. Once Laurens had settled on his bed, he shifted over to one side to give Alexander space. Albeit, not much space considering the amount he took up by himself. They hesitated for a moment, but decided to sit on the edge of the mattress. Laurens motioned for them to lay down with him, and not quite knowing what else to do or say, Alexander obliged. 

“You’re okay with this?...” They asked, looking up at him as they were currently level with his chest. 

“Why wouldn’t I be? It isn’t a big deal, in my opinion.” 

“Fair point. I used to full-on cuddle with my friends back home.” They laughed, smiling fondly at the memory. 

“Cute.” 

“What’s up with that? You keep calling me cute.” Alexander smirked, raising an eyebrow. “You got a crush on me or something?” 

Laurens’ eyes widened, and he fell silent. He stammered a few times, but found himself unable to form any sort of reply. He hated that feeling of not knowing what to say, but alas, there it was. Alexander was stunned. Did that silence imply a yes? They sat up, turning to stare him in the face. His freckled cheeks were fully scarlet all the way to the tips of his ears, and he simply stared at the ceiling with an almost startled expression. 

“Wait— Oh my god. Lars, are you really stupid enough to fall for the tiny overseas student who just had an anxiety attack in front of you and completely embarrassed themself at two in the morning?” They questioned him in a ramble, their own face slowly going red. 

“I… Guess so.” Laurens muttered, refusing to make eye contact. 

“Wow, I… Well you’ll be happy to know I’m equally stupid then.” 

“What?”

“I-I…. I like you too, stupid.” 

Laurens acted immediately, grasping their arm and pulling them into a hug. Alexander laughed, albeit a bit strained as Laurens was not entirely aware of how tight he was holding them. All Alexander could hear was a muffled “Thank God”, as he buried his face in their hair. They wrapped their arms around him to the best of their ability, grinning widely. Laurens rolled onto his side, taking Alexander with him and nearly enveloping their entire body with his. 

“Lars!” Alexander exclaimed while laughing, “You’re squishing me!” 

“Too bad.” He replied with a chuckle. 

Perhaps being away from home wouldn’t be as scary as Alexander thought it would be. Plus, the research for the project would definitely be less mentally taxing with someone who understood. In the end, Alexander knew they made a good decision to study abroad. After all, how else would they have met such an incredible boy?


End file.
